Crazy Virgo

An important moment with the Kansas Fan

Hello, readers.  Do your eyes hurt?  Mine do.  Because I've spent the last 29 hours trying to shield them from the blinding light emanating from Bill Self's mouth.  Is he a witch doctor?  Probably.  Because yesterday he asked the nation's #1 recruit to join a team that already has at least 11 guys better than Paul Pierce if he had Danny Manning's arms.  And that young man said "yes."  With the addition of Xavier Henry, the University of Kansas Men's Basketball Club will probably win the National Championship by so many points, that Roy Williams will ask Dean Smith if he can come back and cut down some of the nets to use for his kidnapping trap in his van.

 

You could split this team in half, and let them both play their way into the National Championship Game, but that would be insane.  Because nobody on Earth could deal with a never-ending, perfectly played game.  It'd be like Neo from the Matrix fighting himself in the mirror for 14 overtimes, until God rode down on a chariot made out of Wilt Chamberlain's bones and threw his hands [shaped like Phog Allen] into the air and proclaimed Planet Earth the National Champion for having witnessed a spectacle that could rip a hole into the Universe.

 

So let's not even talk about it.  A better use of our time would be to put the finishing touches on my letter to John Calipari.  I'm almost done.  Suggestions are welcome, but this is serious, so try to be constructive.

 

"Dear John Calipari,

I'm sorry you were born within 50 years of Bill Self.  You are a smelly used car salesman, and no matter how hard you cheat or pretend you are Rick Pitino, every time you wake up in the morning, you hand Bill Self another National Championship.  This is not your fault.  Bill Self is made out of chocolate and Christmas tinsel, and when he calls somebody on the telephone, they think they're in Heaven, except they can't be, because where would God be if he was calling them in Heaven?  Everyone in Kentucky works at a car wash.

 

The Kansas Fan."

{Mayor of Kentucky}

 

In closing, Bill Self is a robot, and he lives with me.

 

Rock Chalk

The Kansas Fan.

And now, a moment with The Kansas Fan

And Now, A Minute With The Kansas Fan:

 

Hello, readers.  You, like me, have probably filled the last several days vacillating between 1) an analysis of whether we will beat the Oklahoma football team by more or less than 50 points this fall; and 2) grappling with a growing fear that we can not possibly have enough scholarships available for every single top ranked high school basketball player in America.  What?  You interrupted these activities to watch the Final Four?  Did they go ahead with that?  I didn't think they ever held it if Kansas wasn't playing in it.  Who won?  Nobody knows because it wasn't on TV?  I bet it was UNC.  They're a feel good story of young men returning to school to get their degrees and make one last run to glory without Brandon Rush standing in their way.  I'm kidding of course.  Their coach is a child molester, and nobody in North Carolina has a college degree.

 

Since nothing was on TV yesterday, I spent a little time analyzing the list of young men who want nothing more than to use the last remaining scholarship available for the University of Kansas Men's Basketball Club.  It was a daunting task, because unless Sherron Collins decides to leave early and be taken #1 in the NBA draft, the following people will have to fight over one scholarship:

 

1 - Xavier Henry

2 - Lance Stephenson

3 - Michael Jordan

4 - Xavier head coach, Sean Miller

5 - The Statue of Liberty

6 - Wilt Chamberlain's bones

 

It's bound to be a very exciting race, and most experts suggest Kansas is likely to welcome all of them by simply adding more scholarships.  It seems unlikely the NCAA will care, since The University of Kansas owns the NCAA and has enough money to provide a million scholarships.  Given that, I look forward to watching the 2009-2010 Kansas Basketball Team.  While the games will not be remotely interesting or competitive, there is an 89% chance that any time you see KU on TV next year, you will see this:

It's going to be like watching the circus.  If the circus was a collection of planet Earth's 15 most talented basketball players doing 1,440 degree dunks from a sitting position strapped into chairs with seatbelts on.  I love the circus.

 

Rock Chalk,

The Kansas Fan.

So, you think the tournament is boring...

Dear Average Human, 

The Kansas Fan is busy being interviewed for multiple NCAA Championship documentaries to be shown on various large HD flatscreens around Detroit when Kansas arrives at the Final Four and wins their next National Championship. He asked me to discuss something with you that concerns us both. I hear rumblings around the internets and water coolers that the tournament is (air quotes) boring. Well, let me pose a question to you. What the hell is wrong with you?  Do I need to call a doctor? Are you feeling alright? Boring? Boring, you said? Clearly you must be joking.

I guess if watching Cole Aldrich score a triple-double, only the second in tournament history since Dewayne Wade accomplished this feat six years ago, and push the Jayhawks to a solid win over, who? I don't even know who the team was. Some team that has appeared in the tournament 19 less straight times than KU, bores you, then you are a person I don't ever want to know. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that watching Louisville and Pitt struggle to keep their heads above water, and barely win by a few points, rather than blow out their team, is boring? Is praying that Texas upset Duke, no matter how bad it screwed up your bracket, because you just hate Duke boring? Were the two nail-biting overtimes in the Siena, Ohio State game boring? 

If you answered Yes to any one these, YOU'RE A LIAR. 

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOUR VALUES? DO YOU HAVE A PULSE?

Unless you're someone who turns down opportunities to be on Letterman, Leno, Oprah, The Daily Show, Frontline and Meet the Press on a daily basis, sleeps on a bed made of Danny Manning's jerseys, has David Beckham feed you every meal from a golden spoon, has a professional skywriter writing "You are awesome", are treated to a $5 million fireworks show every evening, and have a personal Cirque du Soleil troupe performing in your house at your command, then you're shit ain't that exciting. And, you need to put a clamp on it. And, you're a big, fat liar.

Oh, what is that you say? The NCAA, heart-pounding, fast-paced, hoop action is not as good as the head-to-head competition of "Iron Chef?" I can't even dignify that with a comment.

Listen, be an American. Watch some college basketball. It very well may be the last great sport left. Don't pretend that the intensity of Bracketology hasn't gotten under your skin just a little bit. Don't join the dissenting lemmings of the world - who incidentally will end up rushing to mass destruction and won't bear witness to the crowning achievement of KU when they win back-to-back National Championships - just because hating sports makes you accepted by the kids wearing tight jeans and riding bicycles without brakes. Because you know what? They're showing hoops at the dive bars too, friends. Thursday-Sunday for the next two weeks, there's not a TV in any bar in this great country that won't be tuned to CBS.

And if you just don't like hoops because there aren't any "stars" and too much "team playing" and "too many no-name teams" and "it's interrupting Two and 1/2 Men," then you can just kiss my replicated 2008 Kansas NCAA Championship ring.

- - - - 

Follow Up

In case you need more evidence, Andy Katz is with me. READ HERE. 

Yet another moment with The Kansas Fan

And Now, Another Minute With The Kansas Fan

 

Hello, readers.  I just woke up from a nap.  What?  Did Kansas play earlier today?  I never remember when they're playing until The Final Four starts.  Until a few years ago, I didn't know they scheduled any games that weren't The Final Four.

 

However, since Bill Self and Raef LaFrentz live with me, I've now been told all about the game.  How exciting!  I nearly fell out of my chair (which is fully constructed from the bones of Wilt Chamberlain), when Coach Self told me about the daring antics of Bison guard, Ben Woodside.  37 points?  Really?  This guy looks like Cole Aldrich with no legs and suddenly he gets 27 phantom Michael Jordan calls?  I think we all know what's happening here.  With a football program that is now unrivaled in the modern era, America has grown weary of unstoppable Kansas and its smoldering good looks.

 

One might have heard the following exchange earlier today, if one had the good grace to be in the company of Kansas:

 

America: "We grow so weary of unstoppable Kansas."

Kansas: "Do you want me to sign your t*ts?"

Guidance Counselor at Every Minneapolis Highschool: "I'm afraid your only option is NDSU."

Stephon Curry: "Last year, I was Ben Woodside.  Now I work at a car wash."

 

Conspiracy?  Seems pretty obvious.  So Kansas will plug ahead on Sunday, doing battle with [insert name of team that has won 17 fewer National Titles than Kansas] and America's dirty officials.  Will I see it?  Don't be ridiculous.  The order in which I prioritize "doing things" is:

 

- Watching Kansas win National Titles

- Watching Kansas win Orange Bowls

- Slam dunk contests with Julian Wright

- Other things

- Watching Kansas play basketball against somebody I've never heard of

 

In closing, I invite you to go to Minneapolis now.  More than 20,000 yellow shirt-wearing Jason Sutherland look-a-likes are wondering around the Metrodome, looking to unload Sunday tickets for little more than a handshake, which, incidentally, is the cost of a year's tuition at North Dakota State University.

 

Rock Chalk.

 

The Kansas Fan.

Stop lurking. Start talking.

Hey readers. I see you. Oh yes, I see you tiptoeing around my blog hoping not to be seen. I have a little thing called a "stats" page that let's me know how many people are viewing my blog. Seems thanks to "The Kansas Fan" my little blog has seen more activity than it's used to. Well, don't just be the creepy person peering in the window. Say something. That's what the "comment" section is for. What? You have NOTHING to say about Kansas? You think what CrazyVirgo and The Kansas Fan have to say is 100% valid? Then, say so. Think we're obsessive, idiotic,  over-zealous fans? Say so. Tis nothing worse than a lurker who visits a blog, gives a read and doesn't interact. Much like the weird person lurking outside a window that doesn't at least come in for a beer before getting arrested. 

Do it.

Gathering KU support

My office has really started to come around to my March Madness obsession. My boss just made me a paper finger because he knows I'm not the foam finger type. That's the support I need.

Let's not discuss why I have an Arnold cut out at my desk. Just focus on the finger.

Another moment with The Kansas Fan

Hello, readers.  By now you've spent more than 18 hours digesting the 2009 NCAA Tournament Bracket, and you have come to the same two conclusions I've reached: 

1) This year's Selection Committee was made up largely of gibbons; 

2) There is virtually no way the University of Kansas Men's Basketball Club can not win the National Championship.

 

Taking things in order, I invite you to write your Selection Committee and express your frustration.  To help you get started, here is a photocopy of the letter I sent them this morning:

 

"Dear Selection Committee,

Did you want to murder somebody?  You should take advantage of this opportunity and do it now.  Because you are temporarily insane.

The Kansas Fan."

 

Feel free to adapt your own letter accordingly.  The bottom line is that we have won every NCAA Tournament for as far back as I can remember, and we draw a #3 seed in Minneapolis for an opening round game against a "school" three hours away from the game site?  All while Oklahoma and Memphis open the tournament as #2 seeds at Sprint, the finest building ever constructed by humans?  Selection Committee, here are a few facts to consider.

 

1 - Nearly every time Oklahoma plays in Kansas City, they lose the National Championship game to Kansas.

2 - Memphis is not really a school.  Didn't you notice John Calipari is the "chancellor" and there are no teachers?  Nobody who lives in Memphis even goes to school.  You fools.

3 - Wilt Chamberlain was 19 feet tall.

 

Still, I feel pretty good about winning on Friday by 90 points.  But will I get in my car and drive to Minneapolis to watch the 'Hawks?  Don't be silly.  I don't own a car.  Kansas alums rent helicopters and boats.  Sometimes we buy helicopters, and when we get where we're going, we set them on fire or donate them to charities.  Like the University of Missouri.  When you've got some parchment from KU, you're basically able to buy as many helicopters as you want, because you're either a U.S. Senator, the owner of a business or Paul Pierce.

 

So I'll plan to leave for Minneapolis on Friday morning to watch KU take on the North Dakota State Vipers.  Or Wildcats.  Or whatever they're called.  I don't know much about North Dakota, except that the Vipers share its pastoral beauty with Mount Rushmore, the Corn Palace, Boise and Yosemite Sam.  In fact, one time I went to North Dakota and took this picture:

I'm kidding of course.  I would never go there.  But I do plan to send a gold helicopter filled with gifts to NDSU after Cole Aldrich drops 67 in the first half this Friday.

 Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk,

The Kansas Fan

I'm weird and obsessed.

Apparently that's the consensus of people that meet me around this time of year - the most wonderful time of the year. Seems a woman like myself can't love college basketball and want to watch every nail-biting, heart-pounding game in the conference championships without being an anomaly. What? Is it weird and obsessed that my desktop looks like this right now:

Ya, that's right. I'm a FAN. F. A. N. I'm tracking the V-Tech/UNC game because I want those Carolina bastards to go down. Just because I don't own the Final Four DVD collection doesn't mean I'm not super fan numero uno. I am. Between March 1 and April 7, I eat, drink, sleep and think college basketball. Sure, I keep up with everything else - my job, Gentleman Husband (who incidentally also loves this time of year b/c I don't complain about how much SportsCenter he watches), Ozwald Sniffer Beagle, music, style, politics. But I happen to spend the most time in front of the TV yelling, cheering, and, OK, obsessing. 

My boss just walked past my desk and said "Let it go, CV. It's not even the tournament yet." No one gets me. I fucking love College Hoops, FOOLS! Get it through your skulls. These games have just as much to do with the tournament as the tournament. Did anyone else see that Syracuse/UConn game last night? Fuck! That was awesome. Some of the best basketball played all season.

Last night at dinner - No, not at a sports bar - a friend was flabbergasted that I, someone she considered to be "stylish" was a basketball fan. After telling her that I took next Thursday and Friday off to watch every possible minute of the opening round of basketball in the NCAA tournament, I think her exact response was, "You're weird."  You know what's weird? People who don't love college basketball, but love "America's Top Model Project Dancing Star Cook-Off Throwdown." You know what else is weird, people that watch every second of "America's Top Model Project Dancing Star Cook-Off Throwdown" calling me weird for watching every second of the NCAA Tournament. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Do I not look the sports fan type? Well, what is that exactly? A person with their upper body painted their school colors? A person with a college sweatshirt and a foam finger? I'm a professional lady. I can't show up at my office like that. Also, I'd like to be seen in public again and not laughed at. I guess because I keep my cool and my style while simultaneously watching and talking college basketball, some people's minds are blown. 

Ok. Fine. I guess I am weird, obsessed Crazy Virgo. Deal. That's just me. And, in case you're interested, UNC won by 1. Bastards.

And now a minute with The Kansas Fan

CrazyVirgo readers, I'd like to introduce a fairly regular contributor to my blog - The Kansas Fan. As it's the most wonderful time of the year, The Kansas Fan will be on the blog discussing the greatest team in the world. Without further adieu, The Kansas Fan discusses the following ridiculous posting by ESPN:

You have to cut these people some slack.  I'm sure to ESPN and the outside world, it must seem as if Baylor could beat anyone in the Big XII, the country, or the universe after toppling Kansas.  Hell, these people probably think Baylor could stand on top of each other's shoulders and touch the sun after toppling Kansas.  This, of course, is because Planet Earth knows Kansas for two things: 1) Smashing basketball teams into tiny pieces on its way to title after title; and 2) Populating every known record book and hall of fame with good looking gents from the greatest college campus in America.

 

However, what Planet Earth does not know is that, though we've won more Big 8/12 Tournament titles than any other school, we view the exercise as a novelty; an adorable way to spend the time between March 1 and the NCAA Tournament, given that polishing one's Big XII Conference Championship trophy can not possibly take 18 full days.  What Planet Earth does not know is that we probably question whether even to send a full squad to this rec league tournament.  What Planet Earth does not know is that while every other school in America uses these tournaments to try to collect more hardware, we have so many trophies and awards, that if we won the thing we'd probably melt it down to be smelted into new trophy cases for real trophies.

 

What Planet Earth does not know is that they just handed Bill Self a bomb kit filled with 13 angry human basketball machines and 7 days to prepare for the NCAA Tournament.

Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk,

The Kansas Fan