Thank You, babyVirgo.

Things I'm pretty sure are happening just because I'm pregnant:

 Leg hair isn't growing. I don't have to shave for weeks at a time. I constantly check to see what's going on, but no hair hath sprouted. I've always had light-colored leg hair (TMI?), but like normal women, usually have to shave at least once a week. Not anymore. I'd like to think it's just something the baby does to take the ease off, since there are so many other things that are painful about being pregnant. Leaning over my protruding stomach trying to see my legs, then finding a position that keeps my balance long enough to run a blade up my leg, ya that's not so easy when pregnant. Thanks BabyVirgo.

Shrunken Eye-lashes. I've never had long, luscious lashes. They're pretty standard, several centimeter, brown/black lashes. I can usually fake a nice, flirtatious lash with the help of DiorShow mascara (note the free plug, send me some free product, Dior!) and a eyelash curler. Now, oh no. I need a magnifying glass to find them. Apparently, babyVirgo is going have extraordinarily long, beautiful lashes that she'll bat at me and Gentleman Husband, because she's stolen mine. They are literally shrinking into their follicles. Even my waxer, who also colors my brows and lashes, wondered "where did those things go? I swear they were here last time I did this." No thanks BabyVirgo.

Memory, gone. (it took me five passes at the post to remember to list "memory".) I was skeptical whether "baby brain" actually existed. I thought it was just an excuse (rightly so) that exhausted pregnant moms used to not deal with banal situations, and was actually quite excited to use it myself. Until I realized it was true. I've written emails, then had to check seconds after I send them to see what I just wrote. I misplace things all the time - I'm talking putting scissors back in the refrigerator type of misplacing. I used to be a little flighty before getting knocked up, but this sprout has clearly exacerbated this problem. It's just annoying, BabyVirgo.

Ex-boyfriends dreams. Sure, we all have them from time to time. They're fun. They keep nighttime interesting, and pass at least 2-3 hours during work deconstructing their meaning, and another 2-3 consulting girlfriends for meaning. Now, they're coming in rapid succession. Some are of no substance - my 8th grade boyfriend is working at the drive-thru of a Good Times Burger. Meaning: I've been craving/eating Bambino burgers and it's a good thing I didn't end up with that guy. He had no motivation in life. But, some are grocery-store-novel-summer-romance steamy forcing me to wake up and apologize to my completely unsuspecting, sleepy-eyed Gentleman Husband first thing in the morning. What could be the positive interpretation to this? Why is my high school boyfriend asking me to follow him into a barn in the English countryside? Why is Bryan Greenberg, the adorable kid from "How to Make it in America" on HBO, at my apartment in San Francisco? (ok ok, nice to have celebrity guest stars in my dreams) At the most vulnerable time in my life, totally in love with Gentleman Husband, anxiously expecting our first child, I'm having adulterous dreams. There's only one culprit: hormones at levels that would scare most Republicans. Perfect timing. Thanks BabyV.

I've started drinking herbal tea. I spent five good years in Seattle getting nicely addicted to caffeine. I thought it impossible to speak in the morning without the aid of a double Americano. I took joy in laughing in the faces of people who were "trying to break the caffeine habit." Quitters. Oh, but now, with baby on board, I'm daintily sipping my words out of a floral teacup holding a bag of African Orange Roobis Herbal Tea. Even though I'm physically upright and my eyes are slit open, I'm not awake and coherent until 10 a.m. Caffeine, how I miss our codependent relationship. I know there are conflicting camps on whether caffeine affects the baby in the second and third trimester, and I could probably sneak a sip here and there, but I've decided to give her a fighting chance at not entering the world with one hand searching for a triple non-fat latte. So, it's decaf, herbal tea for me. And to think, I'm a confessed Anglophile. I should be coveting the fact that I have a reason to drink tea and not look like a poseur. No thanks, BabyV.

There are numerous reasons I should rub my belly with affection every day. There are an equal number of reasons I want to give it a perturbed, little flick. In twelve years I'll be sure to personally thank babyVirgo for the amazing tour de force of emotions, new habits and horomones she's led me through.

Comments

[Normal LP]

That was a good one! You do well under pressure....Thank GOD for baby virgo!!!!!!!!!

[amy]

hi doll! just caught up with you and your nest and your baby belly and crazy ass hormone induced dreams. thanks for writing!!! love you and your way with words. xoxo