As a Virgo, a crazy one, I'm quite opinionated about things everything. I feel compelled to let you know my opinion on such things. For instance you've probably heard me say at some point, "God, I hate Cheetos. All those processed ingredients. I don't understand how anyone can eat those. They're not even organic." Only to see me neck-deep in a freshly opened bag. Oh yes. I'll hate in public to make sure everyone knows how socially superior I am. And then, in the privacy of my own virgo world, I'll indulge away. I'm sorry. Didn't you see the name of this blog? It's not "totally normal virgo."
here are 10 of my favorite things that I love to hate (and secretly love):
1. Uggs - When every LA wanna-be actress was wearing them in the summer with jean shorts, I was vehemently opposed to Ugg boots. I even turned them into an expression. "Ugg boots, can I get some service here." It really seemed to convey how annoyed I was at any given situation. Then... i tried on a pair. Holy foot wrapped in a baby sheep, they're soft. And, as warm as having a microwave oven constantly on medium strapped to your foot. Yes, they're ugly. Yes, they are trendy. Yes, every teenaged girl has a pair that she wears with a swimsuit. I don't care. I have a pair. I will wear them. I will still talk shit on everyone else that wears them.
2. Beyonce - Girl could part waves with a sway of those hips. She owns that bod. I even kind of like the repetitious booty slapping in all her videos. It's humorous. She's with Jay-Z. I mean, what's not to love? Have you ever listened to her lyrics? I know, I know. It's my own fault. "To the left, to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left." Uhm. WTF. You've got my brain in a pretzel Beyonc. Where you goin? What's on the left? How could such a beautiful voice sing songs of such nonsense? I made a public statement to make sure everyone knew I thought her gorgeous voice was wasted on her bubble gum songs. Then came "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." Ya, i found myself shimmying and shakin' my own booty along. It's just uncontrollable. I love her alright? Happy?
3. US Weekly - Oh, you know I love to hate me some celebrity gossip. LOVE TO HATE IT. Will publicly chastise anyone that pays even a moment of attention to it. Mentioning something about how it erodes the fibers of our educated society. "oh is your life so dull that you have to find meaning in celebrity gossip. Poor you. I don't." In the safe confines of my nail salon, I read every f*cking page.
4. "Twilight" - Thought I hated it. Cut it down to size as a teen vampire flick that I'd never relate to. How good could it be? I'm old. The movie is about young people - not counting ageless vampires. I most certainly do not want to relive high school through the eyes of vampire teen angst love. Uhm. Nevermind all that. Let's just pretend I never said anything and not talk about this anymore.
5. Diet Coke - An aluminum can full of ingredients I can't pronounce, including aspartame which kills rats. You know that it's got formaldehyde in it, right? You're basically preserving your organs for when you die. There's no way it's going in my organic temple of a body. Until I need some bubbles when I'm eating a big thin slice of pizza.
6. Convertibles with the top down, windows up - Stupidest thing ever. Why drive a convertible? Why? You're not even enjoying the fresh air, the wind in your face. You're giving nature the finger. Might as well put the top back up and turn on the AC. Why? Because you're afraid of messing up your hair? I know. Me too.
7. Smoking. Hate it. HATE LOATHE DETEST IT. Remind smokers every chance I get that I love their lungs, hate how digusting they look with that cancer stick hanging out of their mouth, and remind them their children wish they would stop smoking and live to see them another day. Have taken a cigarette out of a person's mouth and broke it in half. I love nothing more than exerting my moral superiority over smokers in public. I've sprained my eyes from rolling them when friends have to leave a bar to go have a cigarette. I think the only thing missing in my anti-smoking repertoire is my "I hate you, you f*cking smoker" t-shirt. Recently, I was in Paris, where everyone smokes. It. Looked. Fantastic. It brought back the sweet days when I was a smoker. I was reminded how delicious a ciggie and a glass of wine can be. And how glamorous a lady with a pair of sunglasses seductively pursing her lips around a cigarette can be. Red-lipped, Parisienne ladies puffing and flicking. Shit... I'm a hippocrit.
8. Ryan Reynolds. Thought he was stupid. Couldn't act. Just a pretty-faced, chic-flick actor. Pretended not to even know who he was when people mentioned him. "Oh is he mainstream? I wouldn't know who that was. I only watch independent films." Yes, because I'm superior to you. Well...I kind of watched a movie he was in - while on a trans-continental flight, I was captive - and then kind of learned he was married to Scarlett Johanssen, and then kind of decided he was cute.
9. The gym. Man, F the gym. People on treadmills like hamsters. Sweating while watching episodes of "Fattest Person Ever" on Fox, or "Let's Make Food Using a Pound of Butter" on the Food Network. Trained robots working off the guilt of a 2000 calorie lunch and a mid-afternoon Snickers bar. Meat head bozos lifting weights in a torn up t-shirt. I hate the gym. No I don't. I love the gym. Nothing makes me feel better than a good sweat after running a few miles and doing sit ups on the exercise ball, and emerging from the gym an ounce or two lighter. But I'll never own up to it. So don't even ask.
10. GOOP. No doubt, you've read or heard about GOOP, aka The Church of Gwyneth Paltrow. Her weekly sermon on why she is living a better life on a much higher spiritual plane than you and eating better food than you and dressing better than you and making a kagillion dollars. Well I've made it a habit to email all my friends making fun of every last word of her weekly email newsletters. Oh, but you know I'm cooking the recipes and reading the books. I'm human. And in love with Gwynnie.
There you have it. A confession. Of sorts. I'll never own up to it, so don't even try to pin any of this nonsense on me.
Funny funny stuff.... and i (secretly) agree with you on most points!
Posted by: Me-man | November 26, 2009 at 03:42 PM