My first and last visit to a water park

I've never really liked public pools, lakes, even a shower of someone I don't know. In my youth, this was a problem. While all my friends were jumping off the diving board and flying down the slide into the city pool, I was standing along the side wondering how much chlorine was in the pool and how many kids had peed in it. My grandma and grandpa had a pontoon boat that I adored riding, but I could never bring myself to enjoy the murky green lake we motored on. I just wasn't sure what was hiding beneath the surface. Nessy? How was I to know. I was 7 years old. Is it the Virgo in me that makes me pause to consider the cleanliness of a shower that's foreign to me, the chemical content of a pool, or lake monsters? Yes, it could be. Or it could be one fateful trip to Oceans of Fun when I was 7 years old.

I remember it like it was yesterday. A sunny day in June. My mom urging me into the wave pool. My hesitation and general skepticism of the cleanliness and of course, chemical level of this large thousand gallon pool. My little sister dying to user her new floaties. My mom explaining to my sister that unless her big sister went with her, she wouldn't be going in the wave pool. Alright, alright fine, I'll go. I obliged for my sister's benefit and joined the mass of humanity bobbing up and down waiting to get thrown off their rafts by powerful, man-made waves. As we waited, floating, me doubting my decision with every passing second, something large tapped me on the back. I immediately turned around, expecting to find a lost child on a raft. Instead, I found a large TURD. A fucking piece of poop had hit me in the back. In what must have been the fastest sprint of my life, I grabbed my sister's hand and made haste for the side of the pool screaming the entire way.

And that, friends, is why I've never returned to a water park. Oh sure, it may be fun for you, and a total laugh as an adult to have lots of fruity cocktails in the sun, then lounge in a cold chemical bath, then coast drunk down the water slide, etc. But insert a large, lincoln log of a turd in there, and then decide how you feel.

I rest my case.