I'm what you'd call a Snap Judgement Maker. I call it as I see it.
Immediately.
When I meet people for the first time, I know instantly if I'm going to be friends with them or not.
Their handshake, facial expression, tone of voice. I judge it all, and know the extent of our relationship within seconds. The way I see it, I'm 31 - nearly 32 - and have no time for uninteresting, less than genuine, un-funny people in my life. 99.95% of the time, my snap judgement is right on the money. This is probably why I have only a handful of friends. But really, what would I do with more than that?
One time only have I made a snap judgment on a person, then retracted it. I made nice with this person for a while. Then what happened? It bit me right in the ass. My snap judgement had been right on the money. After that, I never doubted my natural gift of instinctive prejudice.
A few times in the past month my judgmentalness has slapped in me in the face. Not a left-hook or anything. More like a bitch slap.
I saw Star Trek in the first few weeks it came out. I went as a favor to a friend that had a bad day and just wanted to "see the freaking movie and eat ice cream." Seemed like an 11 year-old's birthday party, but I humored him. His day had been shitty. Of course Gentleman Husband was dying to go. Me? Eh. I wasn't so much in to the original, much less this big budget remake that, I was positive, was going to be a flah-op. I was so positive it was going to be the next Pearl Harbor that I made sure everyone was aware of my opinion well before the movie started. I think I mentioned something to the affect that if this movie was actually good, I'd put my foot in my mouth and suck on it. Turns out, Star Trek is good. Really freaking good. Damn that JJ Abrams. He knows how to create a fictionalized situation and put it on screen, and completely suck me in with in the first five minutes, thus transporting me to wherever it is that he's fabricated for my enjoyment. I spent 30 minutes after the movie eating my foot and my words.
This past weekend I saw The Hangover. When the previews for this movie were initially on TV, Gentleman Husband pronounced it "freaking hilarious" and a "must-see." I pronounced it an "unfortunate choice for Ed Helms" and "frat-tastic humor." I vaguely remember saying to GH something like "have fun seeing this with your boyfriends after 18 holes of golf and 10 rounds of Texas Hold 'Em. I'll be doing something more fun and worthwhile, like reading, or going to the bathroom." Unfortunately, this weekend it was hot, I was bored, and GH sensed the conditions were right for coercing me into seeing The Hangover. I laughed for 1 hr and 48 minutes. This movie could have been done poorly. Much like the continuing saga of National Lampoon's. However, Todd Phillips - director of Old School - knows how to make me laugh. The formula goes something like this: Take well educated-smart actors with good timing that have resumes that include The Daily Show, Funny Or Die, movies with Will Farrell (i.e. Ed Helms, Zack Galifianikis, oddly Bradley Cooper, Rob Riggle) add a normal situation, subtract logic, multiply humor with hyperbole, add funny Asian man and good soundtrack, and you've got the perfect storm for a comedy. With my head hung in shame, I give you the funniest movie of the summer:
Ok, so maybe my Snap Judgement Maker ® is a little off. It's a hot summer. For the most part, I'm on it. And I'm not apologizing for being judgmental, either. It's a smarter, more efficient way to live.
It just saves time.
I've become quite good at it (save these two movie incidents that I honestly blame on poor previews). So much so, that I ponder writing a book about my instinctive judgmental talent called "Snap: How to judge and alienate people in seconds".
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