Dear Denver/Boulder,
You ARE NOT Seattle. So stop f*cking crying. It's been raining for one day, and every Denver Metro area resident seems to think they live in Seattle now. It was freaking sunny yesterday. That doesn't happen in Seattle. There are two seasons - rain and sun.
"Man, I didn't know I lived in Seattle. What is this weather?!"
"If I had known I was living in Seattle, I would have worn my rain boots."
"Rain again [for the second time in a week]? Is this the Pacific Northwest?"
NO. IT'S F*CKING NOT. The Pacific Northwest looks like this for 9 months:
Notice the tops of the buildings are missing? That's because the cloud ceiling is about 100 feet above the average human being's head. This cloud ceiling rolls in around late September and stays put, somedays almost touching the top of your head, until late June. Seattle goes from cloudy to partly cloudy to scattered clouds to broken clouds to heavy clouds to rain to scattered showers to mixed rain and showers to heavy rain to light sprinkles. Anything else is just a passing storm. I know. I lived this for 5 wonderful years. I know what rain is, and what we're all experiencing today is not it. Rain is the constant stream of moisture needling your face when you're walking to the bus. Rain is what causes you to throw away your umbrella because it's too annoying to just open and close it every time you walk outside and instead opt for a jacket with a hood. Rain comes sideways, from all directions, soaking you to the bone while walking from your car to the office. Rain causes you to gain 20 lbs from hibernating and drinking too much red wine. Rain gives you a cynical, biting sense of humor (one that Coloradoans don't seem to understand.) Rain makes you angry and angst-y. Rain makes you hide in your basement and write songs like "Blackhole Sun" and "Lithium" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
That's Rain, muthaf*ckers. And THAT is Seattle, Denver.
See here how it looks like it's 5 p.m.
It looks like that all day long. The sky goes from light gray to dark gray, without as much as a tease of sun. That's Seattle. Denver, this has never happened here.
Cmon Colorado. You know yesterday it looked like this:
And tomorrow it will look like this again. So we have one day of rain that actually makes our lawns green instead of the dirt yards that they will inevitably become in a month with the scorching sun. Should we really complain that we might not be in a drought this summer? I know it feels weird to use your windshield wipers to do something other than clear bugs off the windshield, and God knows, you've probably gone to buy a Gore-Tex rain jacket and galoshes by now. But, fear not, Colorado. We won't start loading in animals two-by-two quite yet.
I hate to break it to you, Colorado, but there is a name for this rain today. Spring. It's a common weather pattern that happens every year. Summer - and the officially blazing, sultry, desert, scorching heat - doesn't start until June 20th. Until then, the weather has every right to be unpredictable, raining, sunny, chilly, hot, and pleasant. And, let's hope it is.
Colorado, you are a bunch of pussies. For real. Toughen up. It's a freaking day of rain. Ok, it's two days of rain in a week. HOLYFUCK. Maybe use it as an excuse to sit on your couch and watch re-runs of "Law & Order" instead of training for your triathlon. A day of rest and laziness. What a novel idea!
Don't worry, Colorado. It will be like the surface of the sun here soon enough. See... here's the weather for the rest of the week (and you know Thursday's thunderstorm is a 15 minute episode, so don't give me any guff about three days of straight rain):
There now. All better.
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