Let me start this post with a warning. I don't like Real Simple magazine. I loathe its print existence. So, if you like it, maybe don't read this post. For it will most certainly offend you.
"Life made easier." This is the motto of Real Simple magazine. To that statement I ask, How? By charging $3.50 an issue for someone to tell me how to get stains out of my clothes and buy more thoughtful holiday presents? Really? There needs to be an entire magazine about that? Well, pardon me. But, I'd rather read about drinking or food, or the green revolution. Something a little more enlightening. Real Simple is full of articles and infographics written by women, for women, to drastically lower women's intelligence and self-sufficiency. Of this, I'm sure. Otherwise, why else would they be giving 10 tricks for opening that tricky pickle jar? Glamour, Vogue, Lucky - these magazine don't hide that fact that they're vain, gossipy, fluff machines. They celebrate. Hell, it's smeared all over their cover. But not RS. No, no no. They hide their enabling well behind a clean modern cover showcasing a perfectly furnished kitchen void of any life, save for a J.Crew sweater tossed casually over a chair. See? Someone lives here. Bullshit.
Several topics I've seen grace the covers of RS:
How to organize your closet in 5 Easy Steps. I know how to do this. Bitch, please. I just have better things to do with my time.
Moving Made Easy. Simple steps to getting it together. Step 1: Throw it in a f*cking box and tape it up. Step 2: Hire someone.
Why I Love Ziploc Bags. Are you shitting me? An article completely stocked full of the most obvious ways to use a Ziploc. Put saline solution in here when you travel. Keep all your spares keys in here so you don't lose them. Stuff your personal pride and intelligence in here and keep them fresh for when you need them next.
How to whip together dinner in less than 20 minutes. It's called pasta on the stove with a can of sauce. Cmon.
Storage Solutions. They're called boxes. Must there be an entire issue dedicated to this?
Housewives of America, you are smarter and more interesting than this. I know you can figure out all these things on your own if given 5 minutes. In fact, start your own magazine called It's Easy, You F*cking Idiot. Apparently, there's an audience out there dying for this advice.
You know who I wish wrote Real Simple? Tina Fey.
In the meantime, here's some print worth reading. (link)
Comments