I would have molested the shit out of Piven. He was robbed! He deserved Best Actor of a TV sitcom/comedy/musical/min-series..whatever. HE deserved it. He's the funniest fucker on TV. And looked GOOOOOD too! I wish I could have found a pic of him on the Golden night. Mmm. Mmm. Good.
I would have kidnapped Rachel Weisz. Taken her to the nearest salon and had that hair redid. What the hell happened. It looked like someone from Star Trek was in charge. And that dress....oh that dress. Looks like the craft lady from Michael's attacked her with a huge bulk of raffia. Know what I mean? I think she's pregos, but this ain't the way to work with the belly. She's a hot little number. But here, she's some crushed gold drapes.
I would have slapped some sense into Drew Barrymore. Come. On. The girl KNEW you could see, not only her saggy, 'ol titties, but her Nipples and aeriolas. Really. Nothing left to be desired. As if we were desiring her in the first place. Come to think of it, does Drew ever wear a bra? Drew, sweetie, we all know you have tits. We've seen them a lot....Remember that dirty little movie you did called Poison Ivy? Yeah, everyone's seen it, so you need not remind us. We already have your nude bod committed to memory. Against our will. And the Playboy's, etc. etc.....WE GET IT. See the girls at FUG for more judement on this issue.
I would have high-fived Steve Carrell. Great Speech. I love it when funny people are funny. Maybe the best speech of the night. Only the people in the room know agents names, so what the hell do we care that you're thanking your manager Sheryl Lowenstein for making your dreams a reality. Snooze. Carrell is a funny mutha-fucker that keeps it up at all times. Nice one.
I would have congratulated Jamie Foxx for becoming the next Will Smith. I think the transformation is complete. He is now the black man that America can agree on. He's got the bling. He's wearing the faded aviators. indoors. Cracking "ha ha black man" jokes. Giving out awards. Wearing crazy suits. Yep, he's made it alright. Soared up from the depths of bad comedy to the heigth of critical drama. Congratulations, Jamie Foxx (with 2 x's). But, remember this guy?
I would have tried to be BFF with Reece Witherspoon. Not only is she GL's new celebrity lust (bumped off Sienna for that title), but she is adooooorable. Honestly, she could be a real bitch in private, who knows. But she looked so cute, so happy, so friendly, so thankful. I just wanted to hunker down, watch some old movies, eat popcorn and drink an expensive bottle of wine -that she provides of course. I also saw "Walk the Line" the same day as the awards, and she was equally as good-hearted. Might have had something to do with it. I just feel like she would be the type of person I could call and dish with.
Hi Reece, what's up?
Ah nothing, Virg, just having lunch with Ryan and the kids. Wanna join us?
Ah, no. Don't want to intrude. Just wanted to talk.
Well of course. You know I ALWAYS make time for my friends. What's up? Shh kids, I'm on the phone.
Ya know? Can't you just see the genuine southern girl oozing out of her perfect complexion?
I would have taken out the Desperate Housewives with an oozy. I'm not a violent person. But these ladies make me ILL. I HATE THEM. LOATHE THEM. DESPISE THEM. Why does America like them? They're ugly. Fake. Crazy. Bad Actresses (except Felicity Huffman). Dumb (See Terri Hatcher). I hate everything they stand for. I hate that Good Morning America talks about them over "the water cooler." No one even talks at a water cooler. It's just moment of awkwardness waiting for Nancy from accounting to fill his Nalgene. They also dressed ugly. So bleh. I stil my tongue out at you. Mainly because I don't own a gun, this is all I can do.
I would have peed my pants laughing soooo hard at Zach Braff drinking a BUDWEISER. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Sometimes ya just want to see that. Could it have been anymore perfect? Did anyone else catch this? What else would Zach Braff drink, right? I mean, he's a fucking DUDE. I'm just glad he doesn't deny it.
I would have pointed, whispered and laughed at Mariah Carey. Come. On. She's a fat, pudgy baby stuck in an adults body. Just once. Once. I wish she would wear something that fit her. Damn. We know you got Back, girl. No reason to shout. And your boobies. Yeah, they sure are big. We know. Who did your hair, your niece? I don't think I've seen that DOO since '90...in Missouri when my old friend from 6th grade, Tamika, came in for picture day all snazzed up. You AIN'T no vision of love here, baby. But you do what you think is right Mariah, or should we call you Mimi?
Guess it was better that I chose not to attend the awards. I would have gotten kicked out. Wrestled to the ground or even suffered a sugar attack from the Housewives. Or probably finally given that restraining order to keep clear of Gwyneth. Didn't she look Lovely????